Butterfly Effect

The Butterfly Effect is a phenomenal in mathematics that describes how small choices, moments, or events can dramatically shape outcomes in unexpected ways. Basically, if you change one thing, you change everything….

Example: You’re running late one morning and decide to grab a coffee from a different spot than usual. While waiting in line, you bump into an old friend. That conversation sparks a new connection that ends up changing the direction of your life at that time.

August was hot…then heavy. I had just dipped my toe into some momentum for my career, and then my world came crashing down. A new normal intersected my life. I’m still learning how to navigate it. My grandmother, whom I spent long stretches of time in college living with during her early fight with dementia, left this earth a few short weeks ago. It wasn’t her age that was discouraging. Eighty-eight years is a beautiful, long life and a blessing, but it was more-so the way she left that left us devastated. She left us with many questions unanswered and we thought we had more time.

If you know me, I’m used to information being my comfort. That if something is chaotic, I hope I can investigate enough to make it make sense in my mind. I don’t like “what ifs” and “loose ends.” I used to agonize over abrupt endings of situations. I can come to grips with things that make sense. However, facing a situation that heavy set off a chain of events in my life, and I’ll share one later in this blog. For now, just follow me.

I remember a few years back I was having an open dialogue with someone online who you may describe as a wild card, rough around the edges, a firecracker, etc. You get the vibes?

I received a message, “You cool with ____ now?”

I retorted, “We’re cordial for now and we will go from there.”

Them (paraphrasing): “You’re not worried about what could happen?”

Me (paraphrasing): “I know how to communicate, and if they don’t know my boundaries, then they will get to know me and my boundaries.”

In that moment, putting words to feelings freed me a little bit. Had I learned how to have hard relationships without abandoning myself? Had I learned how to meet people and have conversation but not bring everyone so close? Not 100%, but that was the beginning of a new era. The truth is, every relationship is not smooth like butter, neither is every situation we face. Some things get real, raw, and ugly before they smooth over.

I’m going to hold your hand when I say this….you even have to be okay with some people having a fragmented view of you. You won’t always get to reveal the deep parts of you and the “why” behind what you do. You won’t always get to lay it all on the table. I would even argue, it’s not even always wise to. Sometimes, less IS more. Let me explain.

I don’t know if you have ever seen the movie Ella Enchanted, but here’s the rundown. Ella of the imaginary town of Frell is given a “gift” at birth by a well-meaning but foolish fairy godmother: Lucinda. This gift is very unique because it is the gift of obedience. Ella was whiny at birth so Lucinda “fixed” the problem. Because of this, Ella must obey any direct command, no matter how dangerous or humiliating.

As Ella grows up, she tries to keep her curse a secret while searching for a way to break it. After her mother dies, her cruel stepmother and stepsisters exploit her obedience, treating her like a servant. Throughout her journey, Ella meets ogres, giants, elves, and even encounters the charming Prince Char. She struggles to have close relationships because of the fear of her gift being used for evil until she is ultimately forced to break the curse for herself. It’s a Cinderella story but better.

Her words to break the curse were her saying, “I will no longer be obedient.” She yells and repeats this until the curse breaks.

I’ve faced a few situations in my life where I’ve just had to walk away cold. Growing up as an oddball, my biggest trigger was being unheard or misunderstood. Even going to college and still not 100% having my own voice, once I graduated and was pushed into the “real world,” I found myself so ready to “prove myself.” Once I got my footing, I was determined that nobody or nothing was going to tell my story or speak for me. No one was going to write me off or misuse me. I didn’t always get it right, and it took some time to learn the best approaches, but I also found that many times, the more I explained the muddier the waters got. There are in fact situations where people go into conflict already having their minds made up about you or the situation at hand and there’s nothing you can say or do to change that.

To go even further I’ve had to walk away cold and some situations weren’t resolved until half a decade later….

Some situations never get resolved….

And some, unfortunately, are resolved in ways we don’t even want, like my grandmother’s passing.

I know it’s ludicrous to always expect a Happily Ever After, though we try so hard to get there. But even if it “makes sense” to want the best out of a situation, what do we do, how do we cope with not getting that?

Well, this August taught me a little something about that.

Neurodivergents like me follow rules to a fault. We like order and structure, where we sometimes struggle is flexibility and fluidity. Growing up, I thought it was best to do as you’re told. Honesty is the best policy and good people don’t do bad things, otherwise you are punished. I thought this was everyone’s MO. So when I went into hyper-vigilant-prove-myself mode, I was left overexposed. I was pouring out myself too much to try to seek clarity and common ground. Like Ella of Frell, some people would try to exploit that. I learned that not everyone has good intentions and some people are really good at hiding that. The more I explained and tried to let people close, the more I felt used.

If I had it my way, I would send out an email blast to everyone who would ever get to know me with an “About Me” profile and everything there is to know about me. I would give a complete picture. But, that sounds crazy truly. Everyone we encounter is not approaching us with our best interest in mind and we have the responsibility of filtering through that. To be absolutely dramatic, we are amongst thieves, liars, potential murderers, and the like every day when are running errands and probably don’t know it. You don’t have to be standoffish, but proceeding with a little caution is necessary. Even the stalker knows to bring their victim candy and treats. People that are positive-presenting aren’t guaranteed to be a positive influences in your life. Many people are working through their own issues, and that unfinished work may present as a roadblock in the relationship. Overexposure eventually drains you.

As I walk into another year under the sun, I realize, everyone doesn’t have to get me or the things I’m doing. That’s just not always possible. I can hold a lot of things sacred and close and it doesn’t matter if I make sense to the people at large, even as an oddball. As a blogger who feels that I’m doing this for good reasons, I realize the internet is not safe and I’ve learned through trial and error how to navigate it for my own sanity and enjoyment. I don’t give strangers all parts of me.

Anytime I’ve been connected to a controversial post on the internet, usually for the greater good if I can help it, I saw firsthand how when information spreads, it’s impossible to answer every question, correct every rumor, and update every person. Truth be told, most people don’t want to be informed, they just want a juicy story. People who have genuine questions seek genuine answers. The rest is just noise you filter out. My goal as a blogger was never to be palatable or agreeable or to have fans, I just wanted that maybe something that I wrote or did resonates with someone out there. Therefore my goal as a person is not to be liked or understood by every single person. Some days is harder to come to grips with that than others.

I am becoming comfortable being in a room and people seeing me but there is still some mystery there. Everyone doesn’t have to know me on a first-name basis. There is some exclusivity here now, and I LOVE that for me. Everyone who gets in doesn’t come close. My biggest superpower now is knowing that just because my circle is not huge, it is not lacking. I am not desperate to connect with anyone. I can enjoy my own company and create my own world and bubble. I have choices. Yes, the weird one with hardly any friends is not desperate to connect. Who knew? Being here is so freeing. I guess that’s the beauty in breaking curses.

My grandmother’s passing did something in me. It had it’s own butterfly effect. Though I want so badly to have her back and to have known what we know now months before and to have that extra time, I know if I change one thing, you change everything. That’s the funny thing about life, you take the test and then learn the lesson. You don’t always have the information the first time. Hindsight is 20/20 vision. We can’t change even the hard & heavy things, we process how we feel and make peace with the aftermath and what’s left behind.

I can’t see it now while I’m healing, but I know she left so much behind for us to still enjoy in the years to come. I have faith that this isn’t just a huge loss, in some ways it can be a gain even if it just brings some people closer, or like me, changes a few perspectives.

The theory behind the butterfly effect is something as tiny as the flap of a butterfly’s wings in Brazil could, in theory, set off a chain of events leading to a tornado in Texas. In her absence, so many trivial things no longer matter, like people’s opinions or wanting to be seen by people who don’t care to see me. All the small things we sometimes take for granted, like opportunities to make memories with the people we love, they mean everything now. You never realize how precious time is until you’ve experienced it running out.

Butterfly effect – if you change one thing, you change everything….

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” -Romans‬ ‭8‬:‭28‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Left: Normal Female Eastern Black Swallowtail (Papilio glaucus)

Right: Dark form, Female Eastern Black Swallowtail (Papilio glaucus)

Butterfly Fact: Eastern Black Swallowtail Butterflies adapt to their environment. The females, the ones who have to rear the next generation, come in two distinct forms: the more common Tiger-like Markings with blue on the hind wings or this darker form that completely hides the Tiger Marks to show only Black and Blue. This is done to look similar to another butterfly species: the Toxic Pipevine Swallowtail. The Pipevine Swallowtail is southern butterfly that’s poisonous to all birds, bats, etc. that ingest it. As you go north you will see more of the normal female Eastern Tiger Swallowtails, but as you enter the range of Pipevine Swallowtails, more Eastern Tiger Swallowtails begin to start looking like Pipevines and you will see more dark females to aid in their survival.