Be A Butterfly Continued: The Safety Net

For part one of this blog, read "Be A Butterfly," however this blog can stand alone without it.

For the audio of this blog, visit: Audio Blogs

A blog for those who are always providing safety for others but finding little safe spaces for themselves….

Everyone tells you that when you’re going through, you have no choice but just to keep going to get through to the other side, but can we pause and reflect on how this is not practical advice at all? Lol

There is no one saying, “On this day you should go for a walk, and during this situation you should journal, and for this problem you should pray,” and so on. There’s certainly no one warning you that some days are messy and some days are sunshine and rainbows and some days you just exist. Some days you get things right and some days you revert to old ways. Change and healing are both equally hard things.

Sometimes when I raincheck an event I think, how on Earth was I running on E like I was all those years in the past? I mean I was working, volunteering, pushing myself towards my goals, trying to maintain relationships, seeking mental health resources for myself, and everything in between while undiagnosed and unmedicated. I’m developing boundaries now, but how did I make it without them? How did I make it without the strength and stress management that I now have under my belt? When I think back on previous things I’ve faced, the truth is, I wasn’t running–not properly at least. I was surviving. I was not functioning. I look back at old pictures and can see the heaviness weighing on me physically.

Me circa 2021 at the Louisville Slugger Museum.

I wasn’t stagnant by any means. In fact, at the time of this photo, I was starting my career, dating, and was given a grant to travel to the national conference for my field of Medical/Clinical Lab Science to represent my region. I say this not to brag but to fully paint a picture: we often JUST tell people to keep showing up, keep serving, and it will pay off. I was doing that, and I deduced that there’s more to the story than just showing up. There’s some healthy perspective that’s missing from that concept.

There exists a whole subset of people who only met me from that point of my life going forward who don’t even realize how much of a deficit I was surviving from. To them, that way of living may have been all I’ve known. “That’s just Jas” is maybe what they reasoned in their minds for the scatteredness, absentmindedness, "ditziness," as some say, and lack of organization. They may not have known that I was capable of more; how could they? The gains that I have now, both mentally and physically, are not only me playing catch-up to where I was before life happened but also restoring myself to my rightful place of where potential says I can go. I know God is calling me to more, but there’s no point in conquering the seven seas and I haven’t conquered my neighborhood. Meaning, I want to build from a solid foundation, and there are certain things I’m rebuilding in me before I want to pour into others on a large scale. I’m still serving others in small ways that I can, but my approach to living life and discernment are different now. There is also a depth in myself I have yet to tap into, but I'm not rushing the process either.

Safety is quite the buzzword these days, but it’s often misconstrued. What is it? To be safe means “the state of being safe; freedom from the occurrence or risk of injury, danger, or loss” (Dictionary.com).

Safety in relationships, though, gets tricky because it's fluid. Your "safe" people in one season may not be your safe peeps in the next. The internet as a whole is not safe, but maybe you find micro-communities of safety in small, private groups. The world overall is not safe and will not cater to your safety, but you can create your own bubbles if you desire to.

When I think of a place that's safe, it's somewhere I can just release myself without inhibition and just show up. I drew a pen & ink drawing in 2015 while I was a senior in high school titled "Safety Net."

This piece represented Neville High School at the Congressional Art Show where I competed against only 4-5 other students.

The piece is showing hands of many different ethnicities all pulling at a cloth. It was my classmates' hands, but the inspiration behind it was from when firemen have to save someone from a burning building. The escapee would have to jump in hopes that the firefighters’ hands have just the right grip and strength to catch them. In these moments, the safety net is the only option. Any person or place I deem safe can “catch me,” or assist me when I have fallen. We all have blind spots and weaknesses–young and old. Who is your second eye or spotter when you fall?

“Simon, Simon, look out. Satan has asked to sift you like wheat. But I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail. And you, when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.” -Luke 22:31

I've seen a phrase circulate online that goes like, "I had the most people around me at the worst versions of myself." Can you relate? I know I can. I haven’t always been a safe person, and I won’t claim that because I’m not perfect. There have definitely been hard conversations, apologies, etc. but often out of people pleasing I would go to great lengths to create safety for others because I never wanted them to experience the hurt that I have.

In social groups, because of my undiagnosed complications with my neurodivergence, I often felt unseen and unaccommodated but still would overcompensate for acceptance. I did what I could to blend in. I worked double-time to hide my quirks for others' convenience. I didn’t always know how to discern my “safety network,” or safe group of people I could do life with on that level. I thought that I was broken and needed fixing because I was so socially awkward. I didn’t know I was just misplaced and still learning and developing. I hadn’t yet realized that I just needed support in the same way I worked tirelessly to be that for others. Because all people saw was this smart girl who is always showing up and always on the move and somehow always accomplishing things, it created a false projection of capability (read Friend Like Me for more on the concept of capability versus capacity). So even though physically I could tell I was not 100%, all people saw was the “good” I’m doing. Then let’s face it, anyone on the receiving end of help is not going to ask for less even if it's an unhealthy dynamic. Rather, many people will take & take until you finally tap out.

The dangerous thing about deeming any one place as “safe” without taking time to discern it is that you tend to overlook unsafe practices that override what the place is supposed to stand for. You would not leave your house unlocked and unarmed at night and be able to sleep peacefully through the night.

If we take the church for example, the institution that is the standard of safety in most people’s eyes, I have even encountered unsafe practices in multiple venues through my twenty-seven years of living. The purpose of this blog is not to expose or point fingers or play a game of Clue. Focus. I believe God gave me a gift of writing and I’m going to use it. This blog is to give people in my shoes hope and pointers for moving forward in life.

I grew up in church, but I am always thinking about how some of my peers feel who have never been to a church, left religion entirely, or want to come back and are genuinely afraid of what they will encounter. I have heard so many horror stories and what I find is that most people won't even listen to the stories. Bad experiences are often shunned on a “don’t ask, don’t tell ” basis unless too many people have fallen into the same scenario to toss it up to chance, and often by then the damage is too far gone.

In my years of studying butterflies, I understand that the opposite of a safety net is a cage. Even in times when I purposely caught a butterfly in a net, it was a temporary capture for a purpose. A cage inhibits your movement and isolates you from the world for extended periods. Your movement and autonomy are restricted. You are at the mercy of whatever entraps you. In that same way, I know what it feels like to be whispered about but rarely approached directly, in love. I know how it feels to seem to be marked by a scarlet letter. I know what it feels like to seek answers and then feel punished for it. I’m just one person with one story, but I’ve heard many like my own. Those people and those stories matter too. We can’t change the unsafe practices in supposedly safe places without first facing the bad and at least hearing out the stories. I will forever advocate that hearing someone's story is NOT gossip unless you make it, but I propose it would be weirder to not even be aware of all the things they are healing through. Without that context, you may repeat those things and inadvertently compound that level of hurt that individual is already working to overcome.

In the same way that a parent may struggle to let a child learn things with guidance, be wary of the amount of work that comes with leading young people with raw talent and charisma. Do let people develop their gifts but don’t be blinded by them nor stifle them. Don’t shy away from hard conversations. People are human and will mess up. Do realize everyone is not equipped to champion the youth and young adult demographic, and that’s truly okay. A lot of people in this demographic have not stepped foot in a church in 5+ years, so to expect polished and not to expect to have to pour in a significant amount at the start is unrealistic. We need more praying hands and fewer preying hands overall, or we will lose more people to the "I grew up in church but now only watch online" pipeline. It's claiming people in droves.

I challenge you to sit with people and hear them out. It doesn’t have to be messy to hear a story, but it’s way easier to meet people where they are when you take time to know them as a person. You can’t be a part of anyone’s safety network if you don’t first know when their house is on fire.

I warn those like me to inspect your net(work). Those in positions to catch and carry you should be equipped to do so. Only God can be trusted without hesitation. Anyone else must earn the right to hold your safety net. Even as a blogger who does a lot of community work, I realize that as more people know of me, I still have to realize they don't know me (deeply). Though many people find safety in me, because of my heart and the amount I've healed so far, those same people are not always in MY safety network. I realize what an assignment is and what a true relationship is, because there's a difference. Everyone is not equipped to provide me with safety, and that's okay too. I can't afford not to inspect my net because in the event of a fire, I need to be able to jump. I am delicate, valuable cargo and so are you. You deserve to be caught and not caged.

When I enforce a boundary, in the back of my mind I’m always thinking, “I can’t go back.” I can’t go back to being unhealthily skinny. I can’t go back to toxic environments. I can’t go back to uncontrolled anxiety and depression. I can’t go back to filling everyone else’s tank while mine is on E. I can’t go back to trying to maintain relationships that I then have to recover from in solitude because they are so draining.

Over the years, I’ve learned I am not someone you have to beg to serve. I am someone you have to remind to serve herself. I know boundaries and safety are buzzwords and sometimes they are used out of context, but there are still many people like me who are trying to restore balance.

I find myself inspired by David in the Bible. When David was preparing to fight Goliath, they questioned his expertise because he was young. They weren’t sure he could defeat a Giant because they had no idea what beasts he had slayed in his lifetime while tending sheep. He spent years in solitude honing his skills, but how dare he make such bold claims with confidence? I realize in his story and mine, some people were not there. They don't know; they didn’t see the whole story of my struggles. They don’t know I can slay giants because they haven’t seen what beasts I’ve already slain. They weren’t with me in the trenches and the fields. They don’t know what I’ve already come against and won.

I’m breaking generational curses. I’ve survived days in the lab where I couldn’t finish meals because my anxiety was so high. I’ve healed of some things and still am healing of others. I won’t let anything pull me back to before. I know how to inspect my net(work) now.

I forgive myself for not knowing who was in my safety network until I knew better, and I forgive those I had given that much authority, erroneously. It is well with my soul. 🦋

“Let love be without hypocrisy.  Detest evil;  cling to what is good. Love one another deeply as brothers and sisters.  Take the lead in honoring one another.  Do not lack diligence in zeal; be fervent in the Spirit; , serve the Lord.  Rejoice in hope;  be patient in affliction;  be persistent in prayer.  Share with the saints in their needs;  pursue hospitality.  Bless those who persecute you;  bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice;  weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another.  Do not be proud;  instead, associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own estimation.  Do not repay anyone evil for evil.  Give careful thought to do what is honorable  in everyone’s eyes. If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.  Friends, do not avenge yourselves; instead, leave room for God’s wrath, because it is written, Vengeance belongs to me; I will repay,  , says the Lord. But If your enemy is hungry, feed him.   If he is thirsty, give him something to drink. For in so doing you will be heaping fiery coals on his head.  , Do not be conquered by evil, but conquer evil with good.” -‭‭Romans‬ ‭12‬:‭9‬-‭21‬ ‭CSB