Experiences

For a while, I’ve been kinda vexed. For most of my life, I have been passive, soft-spoken, and easy-going. Amongst other things, this has allowed people to tell my story. Everyone but me. But…since I’m tired of it, I’m going to fix it. I’m controlling my own narrative once and for all.

In all my years of being authentic, I feel like I’ve discovered and revealed parts of myself in layers like an onion. This is the closest I’ve ever been to me. The closest anyone reading has ever been to me.

Usually with an #anniversaryblog, I’d write it little by little over weeks and then it all just comes together in the end. Usually, I’d have all kinds of celebratory posts up and down my page and a flawless new photoshoot to match (the pictures featured below are old) and videos, graphics, lights, camera, AND action. This experience was different, though. This one has existed in my head for weeks but I’m just now delving into it at 5 in the morning on a weekend while struggling with a toddler. Go figure. Even when I started writing, I didn’t feel the “magic” I usually feel where there is an A-HA moment that everything comes together, and I write like hellfire as my thoughts move faster than my fingers can type. Instead, I was at peak frustration with trying to fight the moment I was in. I was fighting an interrupted sleep schedule, blown inspiration, and a lack of control. Instead of continuing to fight, I let out a tear, and I leaned in instead. I decided to stop trying to force a child to sleep and I stopped trying to force big words to flow. I just decided to write from wherever I currently was. And that’s much like where I currently am in life.

I’ve stopped trying to force people to see me. I’ve stopped forcing relationships. I show up as is, whatever the current state. I leave the “mask” at home, and let the chips fall where they may. I even am releasing this blog a whole day late and the world didn't even shut down because of it. (gasp) What a shock.

Yesterday, while riding around as a family to get out of the house, my husband and I decided to stop at Baskin-Robbins. Now, I’m a creature of habit. I get "new menu anxiety" as I call it and hate trying to decide from a lot of unfamiliar choices so once I find what works, I stick with it. I’m usually a standard Chocolate or Cookies n’ Cream ice cream girly. I don’t stray too far from that. Yet, I was so out of routine already for the weekend that I just threw caution to the wind and ordered the Valentine’s Day limited edition cone knowing that at least one flavor was swirled in there that I wouldn’t prefer: the fruity, tart one. It overall looked good though, and I deserved one good thing after another long week. I needed something to look forward to.

And so, I ate it! Pretty much all of it at that. I’m a bird eater so I tend to eat little bits at a time and my eyes are usually bigger than my stomach. Not then. Even though there were parts I didn’t particularly like, there were so many good things and good flavors I enjoyed that made me not put it down. It even had heart-shaped chocolate pieces, so it was still some of what I loved as well. I leaned all the way into the moment.

I’ve said it before and I will keep saying it, 2024 was full of transitions. I think when we meet resilient people or see them on our socials meeting goal after goal, we forget how hard it is to be resilient. People think it comes naturally and that’s not the case. Even when things go wrong, I CHOOSE joy. It is very much an active, ongoing decision. It very much has weight and truly takes courage to see the good in bad situations.

The butterfly in my cover photo taught me so much about choosing joy.

📸: Zebra Swallowtail Butterfly, or Eurytides marcellus, enjoying white clover.

All Swallowtails are spastic by nature while they are feeding, but ESPECIALLY this guy. They are typically near wooded areas because they use Paw Paw trees to reproduce. The few times I’ve seen them in any yard, they were only passing by. For two years they dodged me with no proof to show it.

When that photo was taken, I had just moved to my new house. I don’t even think I put out my garden yet. These simplest little clovers attracted this guy (or gal) and it stayed in my yard for a whole few minutes. I rarely get good pictures and video and rarely do they stay as long as this one did. Once I got in place, it was not threatened by me at all. The moment was surreal and I knew it was the right place, the right time. I knew that even in transitioning places and not having my usual repertoire of plants, this was a sign that God would still sustain me.

Through the whirlwind of living life this past week, I just kept hearing the words, “thriving despite of.” There’s something powerful about thriving despite of the chaos and instability around you. It was in this cloud of frustration that I began to write this that I had a revelation about leaning in. I felt that moment urging me to let go and not push through.

So how did I end up spending my big anniversary day yesterday? On the couch, watching murder mysteries, posting memes or whatever my heart desired and NOT chasing an algorithm, eating at odd hours and just being overall gentle on myself. I usually don’t have a hard time choosing joy, but what’s different now is I still lean in when times are tough. Yes, I know how to dry my eyes and pick myself up but when I am weak…I’m weak…until I can be strong again. I lean into the experiences. Every experience. I can acknowledge how heavy I feel and still say “Things are better this way” with a pure and authentic heart. Sitting with how you feel in that moment does not negate the overall experience. Those few swirls of bad did not mean I did not enjoy the ice cream cone. And starting over with my garden wasn't all so bad because I saw new species. In fact, it made me lean into the good parts of life even more after experiencing both sides of the coin.

It’s so easy to become closed off and jaded after bad experience after bad. However, you must allow yourself to grieve what once was to even open your heart to new. I couldn’t enjoy the new ice cream experience if I was thinking about chocolate. I wouldn’t have even been looking for butterflies amongst the “weeds” had I not lost my flowers.

Experiences are just experiences. They come and go, and they guide us. You learn from both the good and bad. Allow yourself the grace to lean in when you need to. Allow yourself to experience life. You deserve to still experience all the good things in life that are swirled in. You can still thrive despite of things you endured in your past. You can still go on to thrive despite of _____. Fill in the blanks as needed.

It won't be easy, but my God, it's worth it to choose joy.

Photography: Light+Free by Abigail Handy