Singleness can SUCK, not going to lie. It has it's ebbs and flows. I spent from 2017ish to a good part of 2020 single. I had situationships here and there but nothing, and I mean nothing, was working. I was starting to be convinced it was me!
It really just wasn't my time. I was so eager to date because I knew what I could offer and at face value, I seemed ready. My mentality, however, was not. Our society is infatuated with the idea of finding love and living happily ever after. I get it! I too, would like a piece of this happiness, but any good gift given at the wrong time, won't be appreciated. From my personal experience, you'll never be 100% ready for a relationship. There will always be kinks to work out, but there is a place in life where you can be ready for the relationship experience, and this comes in different forms. For some people this speaks to a financial situation; maybe you don't need to unnecessarily burden a partner with your financial mayhem and ultimately strain the relationship. For others, this may be a problem of maturity. The place you are in currently may not be capable of nurturing a budding relationship the way it needs to be. And for some...they are healing. And that some was me.
My dating profile as a whole can be described as "a series of unfortunate events." I never truly knew what I wanted and needed, and because of that I was always molding myself around whoever my partner was. I knew that at the end of the day, I had me taken care of. I was so desperate to feel like I had someone else as well, that I would take individuals with SOME good traits and compensate for the rest of what I was lacking. This left me drained, hurt, and guarded. It took me being utterly broken down internally by my last experience of rejection to finally reevaluate the outlook I had on dating.
After that, I put a pause on everything. I started praying. I made a list of negotiable and non-negotiable needs/wants (an idea from a previous Pastor). I started spending time with myself daily. Every so often I would revisit my list as a reminder and reflection, if I wanted to make changes. I read Relationship Goals by Mike Todd with friends. Doing so also slowly gave me the courage to cut ties permanently with my last situationship. I had an unnatural attachment that formed out of being mistreated so many times and me thinking I had found something good. Turns out that something good was not the good thing FOR ME. So this time of intentionality, recharging, and rebuilding was so needed and so rewarding.
Plot twist...as beneficial as it was...some days still hurt.
...there were tears...
...there was bouts of low self-esteem...
IT WAS A LOT.
But anything worth doing is worth doing consistently until you see results. I kept praying, and I kept spending time with me. During this time I made the decision also to be celibate. It was a personal decision of not only me aligning with my faith, but also just trying to try something different because again, my track record was not producing results. Shortly after, I felt up to taking dates again. I met a few cool people but I was fine with just getting myself out there and experiencing. I wasn't trying to commit to anyone without being SURE. But man, at the very moment that I actually focused on me and was truly content with myself no matter who was hitting my line...was when I met someone who showed me an experience that was a complete 180 of what I was used to. We clicked so much so that our first face to face deep conversation lasted 7 hours in a car...like what?! Oddly enough, during the beginning stages of meeting, we both agreed if we met any sooner not only would we not have lasted, we prolly would not have made it far at all. Timing is important!
There were so many lessons and things I needed to work through during my period of intentionality, so don't shy away from a singleness experience. We go through this stage for a reason. It won't be your destination unless you want it to be, but until then it can very much so be a rewarding journey.
Virtually sending love to all who read this and may you too find someone that checks off all your boxes. Happy Valentine's Day!