“I may never understand why
I'm doing the best that I can, and I
I tried and I tried to forget this
I'm much too full of resentment”
Beyoncé - Resentment
I am a person that spends a lot of my time existing in my head, so I tend to reflect a lot. It not only reminds me to be grateful during the hard times but it also allows me to find ways to improve and reevaluate habits, cycles, etc. One of my latest reflections has been the realization of the amount of resentment I hold to previous relationships. I am #hurtbae.
Now, if you run across some of my personal Facebook posts from 2020, you'll come to find that I was a passionate and consistent "man-basher." Almost daily I would find some meme or concoct a random string of consciousness to send into the world-wide web and further the narrative that all or most men are TRASH.
Even when I started dating circa July 2020 and even while in a happy, committed relationship with my now current boyfriend, I was still bashing. I would often catch myself and think, "is this offensive? Does this read as unhappy/thirsty?" Nevertheless I wrote it off as my personality and tendency to stir up controversial conversations (which is not always the best thing to live by, some things need tact to be properly discussed [see previous blog: Mirror Image]). Eventually, those posts began to subside. I don't know what was the final straw. It just kind of happened and here's why:
Words are powerful.
Throughout my journey of studying more of how my brain works and reading up on things like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, I've discovered just how negative my train of thoughts are. I am oozing with positivity for everyone but myself. When I'm hurt and/or mistreated, I internalize it to avoid confrontation and try to rationalize what happened in the closet of my own thoughts - and that is not healthy. Now as described in It's Not You, It's Just Not Your Time, I haven't had the best luck with relationships. Like at all. It wasn't all me, and it wasn't all them, but nevertheless disappointment after disappointment takes a toll on you. Couples counseling with my current partner has helped me realize that I struggle with vocalizing my pain. I struggle to say when and how something affects me. Luckily, I now have someone who is attentive and knows me well enough to still see past this and is patient enough to work with me until I'm 100% comfortable doing so, but my previous relationships and even situationships did not have this luxury. In fact, had I been more firm and vocal about things that concerned me, I could've avoided some of these situations altogether. Perhaps had I known how to communicate my feelings, some of these heartbreaks could've been clean breaks instead. Perhaps I could've even remained cordial with some of these people with boundaries in place, but we'll never know.
I've held on to these "what if's" subconsciously for years and held the resentment of some of the mistreatment even tighter. Every now and again my brain will have a thought and I subsequently find myself on a spiral of memories that hurt and no longer matter. Every time I found myself drowning in these negative thoughts I would be enraged all over again at the people, myself, the situations, everything! I realized that deep down, all this time, I had been holding my breath for closure and apologies. At face value, this want may seem justifiable. Who wouldn't want to resolve relationships when they go awry and be at peace? Life has taught me, though, that is not possible for every situation. Sometimes things get ugly. Sometimes it takes being your own closure through forgiveness and releasing those situations from the mind. A close friend once said to me, "you never fully realize your power until you've forgiven someone who wasn't even sorry."
I mentioned the power of our words earlier. A lot of times our negative thoughts give us a negative world outlook and we see everything though our pain and dysfunction. True enough there are some gArbAge men, but I wouldn't go as far to say they are the majority. It is all about faith: what you choose to believe and see as part of the big picture. After that faith, comes doing the work to make changes happen. I don't want to date a subpar guy. I don't even want subpar guys as friends or in my community, so why put that negativity into the universe and allow it to live in my mind? You have to speak it and believe it for you to see it. I manifested my healthy relationship now by having enough faith to believe that God had at least ONE good one left for me, and he did. Now I believe him for even more. I believe there are many upstanding men still existing in society, so eventually my circle will be full of them because I
1) Think and believe it.
2) Choose to eliminate the trash from around me and connect with better individuals.
You can use this same formula to manifest almost anything.
1) Pray on it (or vibe with the universe if that's your thing, we don't discriminate here).
2) Actually believe it to be possible.
3) Make steps towards the fruition of that thing.
In my case, because I recognized my resentment towards men, I was able to first make a mindset change. It first started with forgiving a lot of people. Some knew exactly what they did, some had their own unresolved trauma, and some may not have even realized the damage due to me not speaking up. I own and accept that the past happened, and can now move forward. The energy you spew out into world and into your own little world, matters. I challenge you to release pain and allow joy to come in. I am grateful that although I've been through the fire, I can rejoice that I have better now. Even if you're still single, rejoice that you made it out. Rejoice that you value yourself more than any unhealthy situation. Rejoice in advance for what's on the way. Be free, butterfly.